Statistics Jokes
Here are the best (in some cases reworded) from GARY C. RAMSEYER’S FIRST INTERNET GALLERY OF STATISTICS JOKES, which is not so selective:
What do statistics professors get when they drink too much?
Kurtosis of the Liver
“When she told me I was average, she was just being mean”.
Old statisticians never die they just become insignificant.
What’s the question the Cauchy distribution hates the most?
Got a moment?
You know how dumb the average person is? Well, by definition, half the population is dumber than that!
A prisoner had just been sentenced for a heinous crime and was returned to his cell. An inquisitive guard could not wait to ask him about the outcome.
Guard:”What did you get for a sentence?”
Prisoner: “I could choose life or 100 years.”
Guard: “And what did you choose?”
Prisoner: “Well, life, obviously. Statistically speaking it’s shorter.”
A statistics professor was completing what he thought was a very inspiring lecture on the importance of significance testing in today’s world. A young nursing student in the front row sheepishly raised her hand and said, ” But sir, why do nurses have to take statistics courses?”
The professor thought for a few seconds and replied, “Young lady, statistics saves lives!”
The nursing student was utterly surprised and after a short pause retorted, “But sir, please tell us how statistics saves lives!”
“It’s simple.” the professor’s voice grew loud and somewhat angry, “Statistics keeps all the idiots out of the nursing profession.”
A statistics professor died and so the test scheduled for that day was cancelled.
A student rang the department at 5 minute intervals to ask if the test was on. The guy answering the phone asked him, “Why are you ringing so often? I’ve told you 16 times the professor has passed away! Don’t you get it?”
“Oh, I certainly get it,” the student replied. “I just like to hear you say it.”
What do you call a tea party with more than 30 people?
A Z party!!!
In China, even if you are a one out of a million kind of guy, there are hundreds more just like you!!
What is a triple-blinded, completely randomized case-control clinical drug trial?
One in which the patients do not know which drug treatment they are receiving, the nurses do not know which drug treatment they are administering, and the doctors conducting the study don’t know what they are doing.
Statistics play an important role in genetics. For instance, statistics prove that numbers of offspring is an inherited trait. If your parent didn’t have any kids, odds are you won’t either.
Checking some questionnaires that had just been filled in, a census clerk was amazed to note that one of them contained figures 121 and 125 in the spaces for “Age of Mother, If Living” and “Age of Father, if Living.”
“Surely your parents can’t be as old as this?” asked the incredulous clerk.
“Well no,” was the answer, “but they would be IF LIVING!”
The secretary of defense gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
“Oh No!” the president exclaimed. “That’s Terrible!”
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, “Just how many is a brazillion?”
A cannibal goes shopping for dinner. His wife wants to prepare brains that day. At the butcher’s shop he is told that there are three prices: First, there is statistician’s brain at 1 dollar per pound. Secondly, they have lawyer’s brain at 2 dollars a pound. And finally, he can buy politician’s brain at 4 dollars a pound.
The cannibal is bewildered at this price range and asks the butcher, “Why on earth should a pound of politician brain cost that much more than statistician brain? Is the quality that much better?”
The butcher replies, “No, quite the reverse, but do you know how many politicians you have to kill to get a pound of brains?”
It is 1941 and the Germans are bombing Moscow. Most people in Moscow flee to the underground bomb shelters at night, except for a famous Russian statistician who tells a friend that he is going to sleep in his own bed, saying that “There is only one of me, among five million other people in Moscow. What are the chances I’ll get hit?”
He survives the first night, but the next evening he shows up at the shelter. His friend asks why he has changed his mind. “Well,” says the statistician, “there are five million people in this city, and one elephant in the Moscow Zoo. Last night, THEY GOT THE ELEPHANT!”