Humor

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Babylon Bee

SACRAMENTO, CA—California Governor Gavin Newsom has announced that in response to the Omicron variant there will be a statewide mask mandate on your mom, because she is so ugly and no one wants to deal with looking at her while we have COVID to worry about.

“Scientists say this new Omicron variant is spreading fast,” Newsom announced to the press. “And the first thing I thought of is your mom, and how her face can strip paint. Can you imagine being sick from COVID and also having to look at your ugly mom? That’s why we’re mandating that your mom wear a mask immediately, and we will even supply a free paper bag if needed.”

The mask mandate on your ugly mom is effective immediately, . and yYou are urged to check and make sure your mom is wearing a mask, because you’re the one most used to looking at her if she isn’t. If the policy is violated, Newsom says, he will consider setting up Ugly Camps in the Mojave Desert, like they have in Australia but for just one person.

So far, the mask mandate on your mom is popular, as no one wants to look at your momher. Indeed, , experts at UCBerkeley suggest that since being exposed exposing civilians to her face violates the Geneva Convention. Some have objected, though. “The governor is overstepping his authority by imposing a mask mandate on just your mom,” said Barry Tucker, a weirdo libertarian. “This is unconstitutional unless duly passed as an Act by majorities in the state legislature. “ We Nonetheless we libertarians do hope your mom voluntarily chooses to wear a mask, though. Please, please, please urge her to wear a mask.one .The last time she went outside, all the neighborhood neighbors’ dogs ran away, and this does test whether one’s personal liberty.” needs to be limited by the needs of the community.”


Biden's transition team has announced they will be appointing an all-female communications team. According to sources, the team will not tell the nation what's wrong, since the nation should already know.

"It's fine. Everything's fine. Nothing's wrong, OK!?" said Jen Psaki in her first press conference as a part of Biden's team. "Why would you think I'm not fine? Ugh... if you have to ask, I'm not going to tell you."

Insiders close to Biden say the communications team will hold periodic press conferences where they will just glare at reporters with an icy look and make them try to guess what's wrong. If the reporters fail to understand their highly advanced non-verbal communication, they will smile sweetly and walk out of the room before slamming the door as hard as they can.

... The press has been frantically buying flowers, chocolates, and jewelry for the communications team in hopes of receiving some clue as to what the heck is going on. The team responded by rolling their eyes and going to bed early due to a really bad headache.


"The jig is up! Scatter!" cried the terrified commie waifs as they skittered toward shadowy alleyways like cockroaches. "The Rittenhouse has returned! Judgment is upon us! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Rittenhouse then appeared to descend the courthouse steps in slow motion, surrounded by a flock of doves and a heavenly golden light. At the terrifying sight, hundreds of Antifa fairies and murderous pedophiles shrieked in terror like a den of goblins, crawling into various holes and cracks in the earth.



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  • Can someone summarize Kolev and his saga?

Economist b447

  

First he live Bulgaria and family crush by cart.
Then he take wife, and she eat by wolf.
Life hard in Bulgaria after fall, not much potato and Great Bulgarian Yogur.
Kolev decide, enough is enough, and must be stronk and smart.
Will move to Great United Kingdom, and make name for self.
Island of UK not same as Bulgaria.
Can not take second wife by force like in great homeland.
Kolev sad.
Kolev become angry.